Whatever Gets You Thru the Night
by chessqueen
Summary: Rory wants to go all the way with Jess, but will she?
1. Chapter 1 Rory

TITLE: Whatever Gets You Thru the Night  
  
AUTHOR: chessqueen  
  
DISCLAIMER: Gilmore Girls and its characters belong to the WB and Amy Sherman-Palladino. Josh's speech is taken from the movie The Last Days of Disco written and directed by Whit Stillman.  
  
SPOILERS: Season 2 to Present  
  
SUMMARY: Rory wants to do the deed with Jess but will she? ---------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Stop," Rory Gilmore said as she pushed Jess' hand away.  
  
"What," he said as he put his hand back on her thigh. They were sitting on the couch in Luke's apartment making out.  
  
"Luke will be here any minute."  
  
"No he won't," Jess said as he repositioned himself so that he could comfortably put his other hand on the small of her back.  
  
"Stop Jess," Rory said pushing his hands away and sitting up. "I should probably go," she said as she began gathering her things.  
  
"Don't go Rory. Luke is probably busy with the dinner crowd," Jess said as he put his hands on her waist and tried drawing her closer.  
  
"No," Rory said then stood up. "My mom is probably looking for me. I'll see you later," she said then moved in to kiss him. He turned his head.  
  
"Don't be like that Jess."  
  
"Be like what?"  
  
"You know."  
  
"No, I don't. Be like what Rory?"  
  
"Never mind. Let's just drop it. I'll see you tomorrow?" she asked hesitantly. She could tell that he was mad.  
  
"I don't know. I may have to work tomorrow."  
  
"Fine," she said moving past him and out the door.  
  
As she rushed down the stairs, she nearly bumped into Luke coming up the stairs.  
  
"Leaving already?" he asked.  
  
"Yeah, my mom's probably waiting for me at home. Tonight's pizza night."  
  
"Pizza night. Pizza that you're not ordering from here."  
  
"You don't serve pizza."  
  
"That's not the point," Luke said then continued upstairs.  
  
A few hours later Rory sat in her room trying to concentrate on her Lit homework but all she could think about was Jess. She liked him ... a lot. In fact she had all these feelings for him, feelings she'd never had for Dean ... sexual feelings.  
  
Rory pushed aside her books and got up. She padded downstairs to the kitchen.  
  
"Hey," she said as she plopped down into the chair across from Lorelai who was busy paying bills at the kitchen table.  
  
"What's up kiddo?" Lorelai asked as she reached out and put her arms around Rory.  
  
"I don't want to talk about it. Do we have any pizza left?"  
  
"No but there's some Chinese food left over from yesterday."  
  
"I'll pass."  
  
"Your loss. You know you can talk to me about anything, right hon?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Is this about Jess?"  
  
"Yes, but I'd rather not talk about it."  
  
"Are you sure? I'm a good listener. I can put on a pot of coffee and I think there are some donuts in the cupboard."  
  
"Okay, you've twisted my arm."  
  
"So," Lorelai said after rising from the table and starting the coffee maker.  
  
"Remember I told you I had these feelings for Jess?"  
  
"Yes," Lorelai said slowly sitting back down.  
  
"I don't know what to do. I still have these feelings for him but I'm not ready to have sex with him."  
  
"Then don't. Of course, as your mother, I'm required by law to say that. But seriously hon, you don't have to and shouldn't do anything you don't want to do. You'll be ready when it's right."  
  
"I hope so."  
  
"I know so. I'm sure you'll do the right thing."  
  
After drinking coffee, eating donuts, and helping her mother with the bills, Rory went back to her room. Though she'd just finished talking to Lorelai about Jess, she knew that Jess was a touchy subject with her mother. She knew that Lorelai didn't particularly like Jess, but Jess was brilliant and he did have a sensitive side to him. Granted most people didn't get to see it, but he had thought enough of her to show it to her and that had to mean something. He wanted to have sex with her and she wanted to do more too, so what was the problem? Why wasn't she ready?  
  
***  
  
"So you don't want to go to Luke's," Lane Kim said as she and Rory circled the Star's Hollow town square for the fifth time.  
  
"Definitely not Luke's."  
  
"Did you and Jess have a fight?"  
  
"No."  
  
"So?"  
  
"I don't want to talk about it."  
  
"Oh c'mon. You know you can tell me anything. For the love, don't keep me hanging like this, you know I live vicariously through you."  
  
"Ok, ok. I've been having these feelings for Jess, strong feelings and I don't know what to do about them. There, I've said it. Now can we please talk about something else?"  
  
"This is too much, I really need to sit down," Lane said walking toward a bench across from the town fountain. After they'd both sat down, Lane turned to Rory and said "Have you talked to Jess about this?"  
  
"No. What would I say to him?"  
  
"I don't know. Mama Kim would die if she even thought I was thinking about having sex with some guy."  
  
"Well, Mother Gilmore isn't all that happy about the Jess thing to tell you the truth."  
  
"Really?! I thought Lorelai would be really cool about something like this. I'd think she'd be willing to take you to get birth control and everything."  
  
"If I asked her, I'm sure she still would but she keeps throwing out this Lady and the Tramp reference when it comes to me and Jess. She won't come out and say it's about us but I know it is."  
  
"Lady and the Tramp?"  
  
"A couple of weeks ago we rented this movie The Last Days of Disco. Well, there's this scene where this group of twentysomethings are sitting around talking."  
  
"Disco. Could you imagine going to Studio 54 back in the day? The music, the celebrities, the sex, the drugs."  
  
"Lane, I'm trying to make a point."  
  
"Sorry. Kids, club, talking."  
  
"So there's this guy Josh who's in love with this girl Alice who's in love with this jerk Des."  
  
"Ok?"  
  
"One night at the club, Josh starts talking about Lady and the Tramp. Well, my mom's been slipping it into conversations ever since. 'Rory, remember that funny scene in that movie about those kids who wanted to all sleep together, going to that club that isn't Studio 54, but is, but isn't? Ha, ha, ha. Funny stuff," Rory said doing a half-hearted impression of Lorelai.  
  
"What is this Lady and the Tramp thing?"  
  
"Ok, ok, ok. Well Josh says 'Lady, the ostensible protagonist is a fluffy blond cocker spaniel with absolutely nothing on her mind. She's great looking but, let's be honest, incredibly insipid.'"  
  
"Rory, I'm sure Lorelai isn't talking about you and Jess. I know she doesn't think you're insipid."  
  
"I know. But here is the Jess part: 'Tramp, the love interest, is a smarmy braggart of the most obnoxious kind. An oily jailbird out for a piece of tail, or whatever he can get.'"  
  
"Uh oh," Lane said putting her index finger to her mouth and chewing the nail.  
  
"It gets worse. 'No, he's a self-confessed chicken thief -- an all around sleaze ball. What's the function of a film of this kind? Essentially it's a primer on love and marriage directed at very young people; imprinting on their little psyches the idea that smooth talking delinquents, recently escaped from the local pound, are a good match for nice girls from sheltered homes. When in ten years, the icky human version of Tramp shows up around the house, their hormones will be racing, and no one will understand why.'"  
  
"Ouch."  
  
"There's more. 'Films like this program women to adore jerks. The only sympathetic character, the little Scotty who's loyal and concerned about Lady, is mocked as old-fashioned and irrelevant, and shunted off to the side.'"  
  
"Dean?"  
  
"I'm thinking yes," Rory said raising her arms in exasperation then dropping them to her side.  
  
"Lorelai really doesn't like Jess."  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Yep."  
  
"What are you going to do?"  
  
"I haven't got a clue." 


	2. Chapter 2 Rory

There was a sweet smell in the air as Rory and Jess made their way down Main Street. The day was sunny, the sky clear, and the breeze light as they walked huddled together, her arm linked with his, intimately attached.  
  
"You know this is very 'The Freewheelin' Bob Dylan'," Jess said referring to the famous Dylan album cover shot in New York City where Dylan is pictured walking arm in arm with his then-girlfriend Suze Rotolo.  
  
"Speaking of Mr. Zimmerman, the Star's Hollow Poetry and Folk Festival is next weekend."  
  
"Yeah," Jess said warily.  
  
"I was thinking maybe we could go."  
  
"You can't be serious," Jess said, suddenly stopping in front of Dose's store.  
  
"I am," Rory said rocking on her heels. She knew this wasn't the type of thing Jess went for. In fact, Jess thought it was a badge of honor not to participate in anything organized by the Star's Hollow Town Council. So why was she goading him like this? Anxiety and fear. She wanted to make him mad in order to protect herself, and from the look of disgust on his face, she was succeeding.  
  
"This is a place of business not a communal meeting place," she suddenly heard Taylor say from behind her. "If you're not coming in to buy anything, you'll have to move along."  
  
"Sorry Taylor," Rory said.  
  
"I can expect to see you two at the poetry and folk festival next Saturday, right?"  
  
"Yes," Rory answered.  
  
"No," Jess replied.  
  
"This festival is a great opportunity to showcase the enormous talent we have here in Star's Hollow. Plus, it gives everyone a chance to show their town spirit and pride."  
  
"Goody," Jess said sarcastically then took off towards Luke's.  
  
"That sounds great Taylor," Rory said sheepishly then ran to catch up to Jess.  
  
"Hey, that was really rude," she said breathlessly.  
  
"That guy's a jackass and a blow heart. And why did you tell him we'd be attending that little atrocity otherwise known as the Star's Hollow Poetry and Folk Festival?"  
  
"I thought it would be nice. We could bring a blanket and a picnic dinner, sit under the stars and listen to some music and poetry."  
  
"The only two who'll probably participate will be Miss Patty and Kirk," Jess said rolling his eyes.  
  
"They aren't that bad. Besides, they keep things interesting around here."  
  
"They certainly do."  
  
"Dean would go," she said under her breath but loud enough for Jess to hear.  
  
"What," he said stopping in front of Luke's diner then turning to face her, his eyes flashing.  
  
"Nothing," Rory said looking down at her shoes.  
  
"Nothing," Jess said mockingly. "That didn't sound like nothing. It sounded like Dean would go. If you haven't noticed, I'm definitely not Dean."  
  
"I'm sorry Jess, I don't know what came over me," she said reaching out to touch his arm.  
  
He shrugged her hand away. "If you want to hook back up with Dean, you can," he said then turned and walked into Luke's diner.  
  
Rory slowly turned and headed home. Sex with Jess was a scary proposition, and for the past two weeks, she'd been trying to deal with it but the only solution she'd come up with, was to pick fights with him in an attempt to avoid the whole sex issue altogether. She'd considered having sex with him just to be done with it, but her fears were too overwhelming. Jess was so much more experienced than she was. Also, she wasn't exactly sexy; in fact, she looked like someone's little sister - no curves, no boobs, no butt.  
  
Paris had had sex with Jamie and that had turned into an utter disaster. Granted, she thought as she turned into the Gilmores' front yard, she didn't plan on talking about her sex life on C-SPAN but Paris was more sophisticated and in control than she was and look what sex had reduced her to. She was also afraid of doing it wrong. Jess was only her second boyfriend. In a way, it would have been better to have lost her virginity to Dean.  
  
"Mom," she called out after letting herself into the house.  
  
No answer, she must still be at the inn. Rory climbed the stairs to her bedroom. As soon as she entered the room, she went over to her CD player and turned on Ebba Forsberg's 'Been There.' The CD was melancholy coffeehouse folk and the perfect soundtrack to her current mood. She knew she had to do something soon about this Jess situation because her fears were paralyzing her.  
  
Then suddenly she had an epiphany. Why hadn't she thought of this before?  
  
"How did you get your mother to let you come to Hartford with me?" Rory asked as she and Lane settled into their seats on the bus.  
  
"I told her I was going to a Korean Christian youth meeting at the university."  
  
"Nice, very nice."  
  
"Thank you. So where are we really going?"  
  
"Border's."  
  
"We have a bookstore in Star's Hollow."  
  
"True, but in that Star's Hollow is a small town where everyone knows everyone else and people talk, I thought it would be better to make this particular purchase out of town."  
  
"What are you planning to buy?"  
  
"A how-to book."  
  
"On what?" Lane asked as she changed the batteries in her portable CD player.  
  
"On you know," Rory said brushing away an imaginary spec of dirt on her jeans.  
  
"Huh," Lane replied, then suddenly her eyes grew wide and she dropped the batteries on the floor. An elderly woman seated in front of them turned around to see what the noise was.  
  
"Sorry ma'am, I dropped my batteries," Lane said to the woman. Turning to face Rory, she leaned in close and lowered her voice. "Sex?"  
  
"Uh huh," Rory said nodding her head.  
  
"People write how-to books on that?!"  
  
"Yes Lane. Whole bookstore sections are devoted to the subject."  
  
"Okay, okay. Dumb thing to say. I obviously wasn't thinking. So you and Jess have decided to do it?" Lane said still whispering.  
  
"Well, I know Jess has wanted to for a while. I think I'm ready. People say knowledge is power. If you know the facts about something, there's nothing to be afraid of, right?"  
  
"This is sex we're talking about not ceramics."  
After saying goodbye to Lane at the bus stop, Rory rushed home. With the sex book tucked safely under her arm, she took the long way around. The few people she saw, the better. She definitely didn't want to have to show anyone her purchase. As she walked near the edge of the woods, she could see a couple talking excitedly. Upon getting closer, she could see that it was Jess and Shane. She stopped. All she could do was stand there with her mouth open, no sound coming out. She imagined she resembled Edvard Munch's 'The Scream.' A thousand questions flooded her mind chief among them how and why. Then it hit her, Shane was the sluttiest girl in Star's Hollow. If Jess was talking to her, there was only one thing they could be talking about. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, she turned away and headed home.  
  
Her plan had been to let herself into the house and quietly climb the stairs to her bedroom without Lorelai hearing her. Unfortunately, she was betrayed by a creaking stair that made noise the second her foot touched it.  
  
"Rory hon, is that you?" Lorelai called from the living room.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Of course," Lorelai said her voice getting closer, "if you were a burglar, what would you say? Whatcha got there?" she asked pointing at Rory's bag.  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Doesn't look like nothing to me. It looks like a book. Ooo, ooo, ooo, is that the new James Patterson book? People rag on him because he seems to come out with a new book every week, but I love that guy."  
  
"No, it's not the new James Patterson book."  
  
"Let me see," Lorelai said making a grab for the bag.  
  
"Stop," Rory said sidestepping her. "Sorry mom, I'm not feeling well. I need to lie down."  
  
"What's wrong sweetie?"  
  
"I just don't feel well," Rory said her voice taking on a high, strained, tinny sound. She felt like crying then and there, but she had to wait until she was safely locked in her room.  
  
"Do you want me to run out and get you something?" Lorelai asked concern flooding her face.  
  
"No thanks," Rory said moving past her mother and quickly running upstairs to her room.  
  
Closing the door behind her, Rory threw herself across her bed. The floodgates opened and the tears rushed out - hot, salty, blinding tears. She didn't know whether to be hurt or angry. She should have known better than to trust Jess. Other than their love of books, they really didn't have anything in common. Maybe that movie was right, maybe films like Lady and the Tramp did program girls like her to fall for jerks. No, she thought as she hit her pillow with her fist, Jess was special. He was creative, smart, literate, and totally different from any guy she'd ever known. She knew his bad boy act was just that, an act. But did he love her? He'd never said he did. Besides, if he truly cared for her, what was he doing in the woods with Shane?  
  
The next morning Rory got up early and headed to Luke's. She had to talk to Jess. At 7:00am, it was clear and brisk outside so she rubbed her hands together to keep them warm as she walked along Main Street. She was agitated and nervous as evidenced by her flip-flopping stomach. Once she reached the diner, she stopped in front of its door and took a deep breath, then she resolutely pushed the door open. Slowly she made her way to the counter and sat down.  
  
"Hey," Jess said wiping the space in front of her. "Coffee?"  
  
"Two cups and three danishes to go."  
  
"Two coffees and three danishes coming up."  
  
"Thanks," Rory said looking down at the counter.  
  
After pouring the coffee and putting the pastries in a bag, Jess stopped to stand in front of her. "I haven't seen you around lately," he said casually.  
  
"I've been busy, and you?"  
  
"Just school, my car, and here."  
  
"That's not what I heard."  
  
"What did you hear?"  
  
"I heard that you and Shane are back together."  
  
"That so. Who told you that?"  
  
"That's not important. Is it true?"  
  
"What do you think?"  
  
"I don't know what to think."  
  
"What do you mean you don't know what to think? Either you believe it's true or you don't."  
  
"I saw you Jess. I saw the two of you yesterday in the woods."  
  
"Now you're spying on me," he said angrily.  
  
"No. I happened to be walking by and I saw the two of you talking."  
  
"Are you sure we were just talking? Are you sure I wasn't feeling her up?" he asked sarcastically.  
  
"Were you?"  
  
"If you have to ask, then there's nothing more to say. That'll be $6.00 for the coffee and danishes."  
  
Rory tried not to cry. She'd be damned if she'd allow Jess to see how upset she was. Gradually she stood up and pulled the $6.00 out of her pocket. After putting it on the counter, she grabbed the coffee and pastries, then walked out the door. She'd had enough. How stupid could she'd been to believe for a moment that Jess actually cared about her? He only cared about himself. Well, two could play that game; it was time for her to start looking out for herself. As far as she was concerned, she and Jess were through. 


	3. Chapter 3 Jess

Author's Note: This chapter is told from Jess' point of view. The lyrics to "Jealous Guy" were written by John Lennon.  
  
***  
  
"Jess, I need to talk to you," Luke said as he cleaned the diner's grill. The restaurant had closed an hour earlier and he and Jess were cleaning up.  
  
"Later," Jess said wringing out the rag he'd used to wipe down the tables. He'd finished his closing chores and wanted to go down to the lake to rest.  
  
"No, now. Your mother called today," Luke said casually.  
  
"That so," Jess said just as casually. His mom hardly ever called. In fact, he hadn't spoken to her since she'd shipped him off to Star's Hollow to stay with Luke.  
  
"She heard from your dad today. He's living in California and wants you to come out there and stay with him for a while."  
  
"Hmm," Jess said noncommittally as he draped the damp rag over the faucet of one of the kitchen sinks. He hadn't heard from his dad since he'd walked out on him and his mom almost a year ago.  
  
"I just want you to know," Luke said haltingly, "that if you want to stay here, you can."  
  
"Uh huh," Jess said as he walked into the dining area and grabbed his jacket off the coat rack.  
  
"Jess, if you want to talk about this, I'm here for you."  
  
"Yeah," Jess said opening the door and stepping out into the cool, starless night. It was late and the night was unseasonably damp and chilly. Jess pulled up the collar on his jacket as he made his way toward the lake.  
  
The nerve of that bastard, he thought referring to his father. He skips out on me and my mom - no forwarding address, no phone number, nothing, then he calls out of the blue asking if I'd like to come to California and stay with him. No fucking way.  
  
Just as he'd anticipated, no one was at the lake and that suited him just fine. The only thing he hated was the fact that there wasn't much light at the lake's edge. Consequently, he couldn't read the copy of Truman Capote's In Cold Blood he had in his back pocket. Sitting down, Jess drew his knees to his chest and stared out at the inky water. California. He'd always wanted to go. Not to LA or San Francisco but to someplace like Monterey or Carmel. He used to picture himself walking along the beach staring out at and wondering what was on the other side of the Pacific Ocean. But then he'd met Rory and those dreams had been replaced by new ones.  
  
He knew they were wrong for each other. More precisely, he knew he was wrong for her. Granted they were both into books and always had things to talk about, but her grandparents were wealthy while his had been working class shop and restaurant owners. No, his ancestors certainly hadn't come over on the Mayflower nor did his mother qualify to be a member of the DAR. On top of that, Rory had people who truly cared about her and would do anything for her. He didn't have anyone. His mom didn't want him; his dad didn't want him; and Luke didn't want him.  
  
People often accused him of being angry; well he was, that was the only thing keeping him from killing himself. Like Diane Court to Lloyd Dobbler in Say Anything, Rory had made him trust himself. She was unlike any girl he'd ever known. She'd managed to captivate him with both her startling beauty and her alluring frailty.  
  
But things were different now. She'd obviously stopped seeing him for what he could be and had started seeing him for what he was - a punk, a delinquent, and a criminal. Shifting position, Jess pulled out a pack of Camels. He was supposed to have quit smoking, but what everyone else didn't know wouldn't kill them. Things had started to change about two weeks ago when Rory had gotten accepted to Harvard, Yale and Princeton. Around that time, she'd begun avoiding him and picking fights with him. He didn't blame her though. She couldn't go off to Yale, surrounded by future world leaders, with a loser boyfriend back home.  
  
Maybe going to California wasn't such a bad idea after all. He could get away from Luke, Lorelai, this god-awful town.and Rory. People said out of sight, out of mind, maybe California was just the cure for his unbearable pain.  
  
He stood up. He wanted her to be the first to know. He wanted her to understand that he was setting her free, that he wouldn't stand in the way of that wonderful life awaiting her at Yale - the power career, the society marriage, the 2.5 kids.  
  
As he made his way back into town, it started raining. The streets were empty as he turned on his Walkman and listened to a mix tape he'd made the other day. Most people in Star's Hollow were probably home, wrapped in blankets, huddled with their significant other in front of the fireplace, watching TV, and eating microwave popcorn.  
  
When he finally reached her street, he stopped to look up at her bedroom window. The light was on. She was probably nestled in her bed, the covers drawn over her, reading a book. Maybe he should go back to Luke's, he thought. He was about to leave when she suddenly appeared at the window.  
  
"Jess?" she called down.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"What are you doing down there?"  
  
"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm stalking you."  
  
"Go away Jess. As you said earlier today, we don't have anything more to talk about."  
  
"I know. I just wanted you to hear this from me, I'm moving to California to live with my dad."  
  
"California?" she called down confused. "Don't go anywhere, I'm coming down."  
  
Jess made his way up the Gilmores' front walk and waited at the door. A few minutes later, it flew open. Jess caught his breath. God, she's beautiful, he thought as she stood there in a t-shirt and jeans with her hair swept up in a ponytail. He loved her hair like that; it made her look so childlike and carefree.  
  
"What is this about California?" she asked, her right hand on her hip.  
  
"Can I come in out of the rain first?"  
  
"Sorry," Rory said stepping aside.  
  
"Where's Lorelai?" he asked looking around for her.  
  
"Out with Alex."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"So what is this about you moving to California?"  
  
"My dad called my mom today. He's living in California and offered to put me up. I've decided to go."  
  
"What does Shane have to say about this?"  
  
"Why do you insist upon bringing her up? Nothing happened between us," Jess said throwing his arms up in exasperation. If it wasn't some bullshit with Dean, it was some crap with Shane, he thought as he shoved his hands into his pockets.  
  
"Then what were you two doing in the woods?"  
  
"Fuck it. Shane asked me to see if I could get her a job at Wal- Mart. Ok? Her mother lost her job a few months ago and her unemployment benefits are running out. Shane needs a job bad and I told her I'd talk to my boss, see if anything is available."  
  
"Oh," Rory said looking sheepishly. "Why didn't you tell me this before?"  
  
"Because it was none of your business. Shane's embarrassed as it is, she doesn't want her business all over Star's Hollow."  
  
"Have you told Luke yet about California?"  
  
"No, but I'm sure he'll be glad to see me go."  
  
"That's not true. He really cares about you."  
  
"Then you'll be glad to see me go."  
  
"That's not true either."  
  
"Look, you don't have to spare my feelings. You're going to Yale in the fall; you don't have time to be hanging out with a zero like me.  
  
"You're not a zero."  
  
"Then why have you been avoiding me, picking fights with me?" he asked sounding like a hurt little boy.  
  
"Jess, things are so complicated."  
  
"I'd better go. I have a lot to do over the next few days. I just wanted you to know I was leaving."  
  
"Don't go," Rory said reaching out to grab his hand and pulling him close.  
  
"Now or to California?"  
  
"Both," she said then leaned in to kiss him.  
  
"What are you doing Rory?"  
  
"Shhh," she said, a determined look on her face. "Why don't we talk about this upstairs?"  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Yes," she said grabbing his hand and slowly leading him upstairs to her room. Once they reached the landing, Jess stood in the doorway, unsure if he should come in. But then Rory turned to him and smiled. That was just the encouragement he needed, he stepped across the threshold, made his way over to her bed, and sat down.  
  
"Do you want to hear to anything in particular?" she asked as she walked over to her stereo.  
  
"I do have this mix tape," he said taking it out of his jacket pocket and tossing it to her. He then took off his jacket and threw it on the floor.  
  
He watched as she put the tape in the player and pushed the play button. Suddenly Joni Mitchell's "Blue" filled the room. Rory walked over to the bed and sat down next to him, then she turned to him and put her hand on his cheek.  
  
"Don't," Jess said, insecurity flooding him. He was so overwhelmed by her; he couldn't say half the things he longed to say to her. Instead, he just sat there listening to the tap, tap, tapping of the rain on the roof.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Why do you want me to stop?"  
  
"I don't know," he said. He didn't want to ruin her; he didn't want her thinking of him as that sleazy punk who'd tricked her out of her virginity.  
  
"Don't you want me?" she asked quietly looking down at her hands.  
  
"Of course I do. I just don't want to hurt you; I don't want you to hate me."  
  
"Granted you do have this incredible power to piss me off, but I could never hate you. I just don't understand why you do some of the things you do."  
  
As if on cue, John Lennon's "Jealous Guy" started playing.  
  
"If you really want to know why I act the way I do, just listen to this song." Jess watched as Rory's face took on this serious look. She cocked her head to the side in order to fully concentrate on the song. John Lennon's voice flooded the room.  
  
I didn't mean to hurt you I'm sorry that I made you cry I didn't want to hurt you I'm just a jealous guy I was feeling insecure You might not love me anymore I was shivering inside I was shivering inside I didn't mean to hurt you I'm sorry that I made you cry I didn't want to hurt you I'm just a jealous guy  
  
"Oh, Jess," Rory said looking him in the eyes. She was crying.  
  
"I'm sorry," he said.  
  
"Don't be. That was beautiful. How could you think I didn't love you anymore?"  
  
"These past two weeks you've been acting really strange. I figured that since you'd gotten into Yale, you didn't want to hang around with a loser like me."  
  
"You're not a loser," she said stroking his hair. "And I never want to hear you say that again."  
  
"Yes ma'am," Jess said giving her a salute.  
  
Without warning, she threw her arms around his neck and kissed him full on the mouth. The force of her movement knocked them both back onto the bed. The next thing Jess knew, he'd wrapped his arms around her waist and was drawing her close.  
  
"Maybe we should stop," he said when they came up for air.  
  
"No," Rory said then began kissing him on his neck.  
  
"Are you sure you want to continue doing this?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"But."  
  
"Jess, shut up," Rory said as she slipped her hands under his favorite Metallica t-shirt. Slowly they inched up his chest until she reached his shoulders then she pulled the t-shirt off.  
  
Jess caught his breath; he was shocked but pleasantly surprised. He'd never expected her to take the initiative like this. Tentatively, he pulled her t-shirt over her head. There she laid next to him in a white lace bra with a little blue bow on it. He wanted to laugh but knew this wasn't the best time; it was just that it was exactly the kind of bra he'd always imagined she wore. He pulled her close and held her in his arms as they kissed for a while. Hesitantly, shyly, she moved to unbutton his jeans.  
  
"No," he said pushing her hand away. "I'll do that but I'm leaving my boxers on." He hated to, but he had to take his arm from around her in order to unbutton and take off his pants. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see her doing the same.  
  
Quickly they both got under the covers and he put his arm back around her and she laid her head on his chest.  
  
"I know this is going to sound like a cliché, but I can hear your heart beating," she said.  
  
"I bet it sounds like a jackhammer."  
  
"It's actually kinda soothing. Jess, I'm ready to . you know."  
  
"I'd really prefer to just lie here with you in my arms. This is how I want to remember us."  
  
"So you're still planning to go to California?" Rory asked sitting up.  
  
"Look, I love you. I've loved you since the first moment I laid eyes on you. I love you more than anyone I've ever known but I need to get on with my life. Wal-Mart is a pretty good gig, and if you tell anyone I said that I'll deny it, but I want more out of life. I don't want to sound all hippy-dippy but I think California may be the place for me. Besides, you'll be doing your thing at Yale; you won't have time for me."  
  
"I'd make time," she said as she brushed his cheek with her fingers.  
  
"I don't want you to. I want to do my own thing on my own terms. I don't want to fight about this. I just want to enjoy tonight," he said pulling her on top of his chest. He then put his arm around her and began stroking her long brown hair. They lay like that for what seemed like forever. They listened to the intermittent rain hit the roof and Jess' tape with more John Lennon, a little Steely Dan, some Miles Davis, and Charlie Parker at the Village Vanguard.  
  
After a while, Rory drifted off to sleep. Jess took this opportunity to look at her. She looked so angelic, virginal, maidenly, childlike then in the next breath she looked irresistibly feminine. In that moment, he could glimpse the woman she was destined to become, the woman with the kind of husband who would adore her, love her, be willing to die for her.  
  
He looked at the clock on her bureau; it was 12:30, he'd better head home. Quietly so he wouldn't wake her, he gently nudged her into the space next to him, then stole out of the bed. As he was pulling up his pants, she shifted position in her sleep. After waiting to see if she'd wake up, he continued dressing. He'd let her keep the tape, something to remember him by, he thought as he bent down to kiss her on the forehead. Silently he exited her room and crept down the stairs when suddenly one of the stairs creaked.  
  
"Shit," he said under his breath then stood still for a few minutes waiting to see if she would rush downstairs. When she didn't, he continued down the stairs and out the front door. 


	4. Chapter 4 Rory

Rory turned away from the sunlight streaming into her bedroom, a smile plastered to her face. Though she tried to get back to sleep, it was no use. All she could think about was Jess. While they hadn't gone as far as she would have liked, the previous night had been amazing - she'd never felt so connected to anyone before.

After ten minutes of tossing and turning, she finally got out of bed and padded over to the mirror. She didn't look any different, but she felt it. For the first time in a long time, she felt at peace. Subsequently she took a shower and dressed, then she went downstairs to the kitchen where she found her mother standing at the kitchen sink rinsing out a coffee mug and humming "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun."

"Hey," Rory said as she made a beeline for the cabinets above Lorelei's head. Even though she was already wired, she still craved her coffee.

Lorelei turned, giving her a smile, "Sleep well last night?"

"Wonderfully," Rory said as she spun around the kitchen like a ballerina. She knew she looked silly but she couldn't help it.

"Why are you so happy?"

"No reason."

"Uh huh. So I guess you wouldn't be interested in going to Luke's for coffee."

"On the contrary."

After grabbing their jackets and bags, Rory and Lorelei headed outside. The brightness of the sun blinded Rory as she and her mom made their way down the street. The air outside was cool and comfortable. Everything looked green, vibrant, alive. So much so that she couldn't help smiling at everyone she met. As they made their way across the town square, her heart began pounding furiously – anticipation and excitement at the thought of seeing Jess.

"Hey Taylor," she said as she and Lorelei passed Doose's Market.

The second they were out of earshot, Lorelei turned to her wide-eyed and said, "Oh my god, you're high, aren't you? Answer me, damn you! Because whatever it is, it must be primo stuff."

Rory smiled without saying a word as they continued on to Luke's. Upon entering the diner, she saw him standing behind the counter pacing, muttering to himself. Quickly she scanned the place looking for Jess, but he was nowhere to be seen. He must be upstairs.

"Hey Luke," Lorelei said walking up to the counter and sitting down.

"Oh hi Lorelei," he said distractedly.

"Something wrong?"

"It's Jess; he's gone."

"What," Rory said, stopping where she stood, glued to the floor.

"He left last night to go stay with his dad in California."

Suddenly she felt nauseous and unable to breathe. Jess was gone and he hadn't even bothered to say goodbye.

"I … I," she began.

"Rory, are you okay?" Lorelei asked standing up.

"No," she said then bolted from the diner. She ran - across the square, past Kirk, past Miss Patty, past Babette - until she reached a clump of bushes where she instantly threw up.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Ten Years Later

"Don't forget your two o'clock with Anthony Bourdain," Andrea Swan said as she and Rory made their way to latter's office.

"I won't. And Andrea, Wednesday I'm having lunch with Gore Vidal. Please put that on my calendar. Thanks."

"No problem," Andrea said as she tried keeping up with her boss. Andrea Swan had been her assistant for a little over a year and Rory liked her. She was smart, hardworking, dependable, and easy to get along with. She was pretty too though one wouldn't notice it straight away because of her long blonde hair pulled back in a severe ponytail and her blue eyes hidden behind horn-rimmed glasses. "Your grandmother called," Andrea continued. "She wants to confirm Friday dinner. Also, here's that manuscript Tom wants you to edit."

"What's the book about?" Rory asked. Her boss Tom Ferguson had been badgering her for weeks about a hot new manuscript he wanted her to read. She hadn't wanted to do it so she hadn't asked too many questions about it. "It's a modern On the Road. Apparently, the guy who wrote it has lived all over the world – Thailand, Kenya, Central America, you name it. He's written a book about his travels," Andrea said handing Rory the pages.

"Thanks," she said as she stepped into her office, closing the door behind her.

This was not the life she'd imagined for herself. Working at Simon & Schuster was fine. She liked guiding new writers, helping them develop their talent but she'd dreamed of being the next Christiane Amanpour, reporting from hotspots around the world – Afghanistan, the Middle East, Africa. But after a year of traveling with the Obama campaign, she'd accepted an editorial assistant position at Random House, then she'd been promoted to assistant editor, and now she was an editor at Simon & Schuster. What happened? How had her dreams just slipped away?

She picked up the manuscript Andrea had given her and grabbing her cup of coffee, leaned back in her chair and began reading it.

Four hours later, she was so caught up in a story about aboriginal tribes in the Amazon Rainforest that she hadn't heard Andrea knocking at the door.

"Rory," her assistant said hesitantly.

"Yes," she said looking up.

"You need to leave now if you want to make it on time to your two o'clock with Anthony Bourdain."

"Thanks," Rory said then began gathering her things. "I lost track of the time."

"The manuscript?"

"Uh huh."

"It's absolutely exciting, isn't it? I sneaked a peak. I hope you don't mind."

"Not at all."

"I wonder what he looks like, the guy who wrote it," Andrea said dreamily. "I bet he's handsome and rugged. You know, like Gerard Butler."

Rory had been wondering the same thing. This guy sounded exciting. Plus, he was living the life she'd dreamed of and then some. Still … a life like that couldn't be conducive to a relationship.

"See you in two hours."

"Thanks."

xxxxxxxxxxxx

After lunch in the taxi on the way back to work, Rory pulled out the text again. She definitely wanted to give this author a call. He had a way with words and had seen so much. As she dug in her bag for her cell phone, she flipped to the first page of the document.

Her heart stopped.

It can't be, she thought as she dropped her phone back into her bag.

The second the cab stopped in front of her office, Rory hopped out and rushed into the building. Once safely ensconced in her office, she took a deep breath. With a trembling hand, she dialed the telephone number written on the manuscript and waited. The phone rang once, twice, finally on the third ring someone picked up.

"Hello?" a male voice said on the other end of the line.

Oh my god, it's him. Panicking, she almost dropped the phone.

"Hello?" he said again. "Hello?"

"Hello. My name is Rory Gilmore; may I speak with Jess Mariano please?"

"Rory Gilmore?" he asked bewildered.

"Yes. I'm an editor at Simon & Schuster. I'm calling about his manuscript Life Lessons, Life Travels.

"This is Jess Mariano."

"Hello Mr. Mariano," she said then cleared her throat. "Tom Ferguson from our office gave me your manuscript. We're really excited about it; you have some amazing stories here."

"Thanks."

"I was hoping we could meet for lunch to talk about it."

"That sounds great."

"Wonderful. How about tomorrow at the Gramercy Tavern? One o'clock?"

"Sure."

"Great. I'll see you then Mr. Mariano. Goodbye."

"Bye."

Quickly she hung up the phone. Though she was sitting down, she felt weak in the knees. What had she just done?

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sitting at a table in the middle of the restaurant Rory fidgeted as she kept glancing toward the door. The Gramercy Tavern was crowded as usual. With its walls lined with Robert Kushner murals and plush, thick carpeting, it was becoming more than just another New York restaurant but an institution.

She'd arrived early for two reasons: 1. It was in her nature to be on time and 2. She wanted to see him first so that she could prepare herself. For what she didn't know.

A flood of questions engulfed her. What did he look like now? Was he married? Did he have children? Did he ever think about her? Silly girl, she chided herself at that last thought.

Upon glancing at the door for the umpteenth time, she suddenly found herself unable to breathe.

He looked older. His hair was slightly longer and his face was peppered with scruff, but it was him. She watched transfixed as he boldly strode up to the maitre d'. A few seconds later, they both maneuvered their way to where she sat … waiting.

"Rory?" Jess said staring at her in disbelief. "It is you."

For a second her mind went blank, so lost was she in the wholeness of him. But just as quickly she snapped out of it. "Jess," she said extending her hand. He took it, shaking it as he sat down across the table from her.

Minutes passed without either saying a word. Unable to stand it any longer, Rory cleared her throat.

"As I mentioned over the phone, Tom Ferguson, one of our senior editors, has been raving about your manuscript for weeks."

"What did you think of it?" he asked, his eyes boring into her.

"I loved it," she said blushing, the intensity of his stare too much for her to bear.

"Good," he said looking away. He picked up a menu and began looking it over.

After they'd ordered, she sat back in her chair and smiled to herself. It was juvenile, but she couldn't help being pleased that Jess was pleased that she'd liked his manuscript. "So," she said breaking the silence that had crept up between them again.

"So," Jess repeated smiling at her. "What have you been up?"

"Nothing much."

"I find that hard to believe."

"Well," she said gathering her thoughts. "After graduating from Yale, I spent a year covering the Obama campaign. I worked at Random House for a few years and now I'm an editor at Simon & Schuster."

"I see," he said then took a swig of his scotch.

"See what?" she asked uneasily. Out of all the guys she'd ever dated, Jess was the one who seemed to have the uncanny ability to see through to her core.

"Nothing," he said shaking his head. "How's Lorelei?"

"She's fine. A few years ago, Town & Country did a write-up on the Dragonfly and it's been doing amazing business ever since."

"Ummmm. So, are you seeing someone?"

She sputtered, almost choking on the water she'd been drinking. Thankfully, it hadn't shot out of her mouth and onto her clothes. "Excuse me?" she said coughing.

"I asked if you were seeing someone," he said a mischievous grin on his face.

Rory didn't know why she was acting like this. Of course, inevitably, the question would have come up. And it was a simple straightforward question. Are you seeing someone? Are. You. Seeing. Someone?

"Why don't we talk about your manuscript? Everyone loves it. But …." She flushed crimson knowing how contradictory what she was about to say would sound. "Tom Ferguson would like you to rewrite the passages on the genocide in Africa. He fears they may be too graphic for a mass audience."

"Absolutely not."

"What."

"I'm not rewriting those pages. The victims of those atrocities deserve to have the truth told. You can't whitewash something like that."

Rory shifted in her chair. Of course he was right, but Tom wouldn't like it. The truth wasn't always an easy sell. She sighed. "I'll talk to him."

"Thanks," Jess said leaning back in his chair, staring at her silently again.

"What?" she said a little unhinged.

"Are you happy?"

"Am I happy?"

"Yes, it's a simple question."

She scoffed. There was nothing simple about it at all. People drove themselves mad in pursuit of happiness. "Why do you ask?"

"I need to know."

"Why? We haven't seen or talked to each other in ten years Jess. Why do you give a damn if I'm happy?"

"Because I still care about you. There hasn't been a day that I haven't thought about you."

"I find that hard to believe. Don't forget, I read your manuscript and you go into quite a bit of detail about a certain bargirl, Mandy is it, in Thailand."

It was Jess's turn to turn red but he kept his composure. "That's neither here nor there. I hate to see you so unhappy."

"What are you talking about? I am happy," Rory said emphatically. "My career is on track. Logan and I just bought a brownstone in Tribeca."

"Logan!"

"Yes, you met him that one time you came home for a visit."

"I remember him," Jess said, his body stiffening, his jaw tight. "I remember he was an asshole."

"Jess!"

"Seriously. How can you still be with that guy? Is he the reason you're not a reporter like you'd dreamed."

"I was a reporter; editing was a natural progression."

"You were going to see the world."

"I have seen the world. Logan and I …."

He cut her off.

"Logan and I," he mimicked, "have seen what? London, Paris, Cabo, Africa on safari. I'm talking about the real world, not what they show you in the travel brochures."

"I don't have to justify my life to you Jess," Rory said gathering her things.

"No you don't," he said quietly. "It's just that your life makes me sad."

Rory froze. Sad! He thought her life was sad. She stood without saying another word and walked out of the restaurant.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

As she sat in the backseat of the taxi on the way home, Rory couldn't help replaying the conversation she'd had with Jess. She had a good life. Simon & Schuster was a decent place to work and Logan's company was doing well. Sure, all her dreams hadn't come true, but dreams change. People change. She wasn't a kid anymore.

Exhausted, she climbed out of the cab then up the front steps to her brownstone. She could hear Sinatra playing over the intercom sound system the second she opened the door. That could only mean one thing: Logan was entertaining clients that night. She prayed she wouldn't have to come along.

"Logan," she called out, heading toward the kitchen.

She stopped in the doorway and watched as he leaned against the granite counter that ran the length of the room, talking on his cell phone.

He was handsome – tall, blonde, powerful, athletic. He looked the part of that which he was – the quintessential wealthy New England Ivy League boy from a good family. She imagined any number of grandmothers getting on their knees and thanking God should he come through their granddaughters' doors.

Quite simply, he was everything Jess wasn't.

"Hi," she said entering the room, just as he'd finished his call.

"Hey you," he said closing the distance between them, stopping in front of her and kissing her on the check. "How was your day?"

"Fine," she lied seeing no point in telling him about Jess.

"That's great. Look, I need you to do something for me," he said placing his hands on her forearms.

She tensed. She knew what was coming. She also knew she couldn't handle it, not tonight.

"No."

"Rory, these clients could put us over the top. I just need you to put a little something together."

"Logan, I just got home and besides there isn't enough time. Can't you just take them out somewhere?"

He sighed, giving her a look of dismay. "C'mon," he said enveloping her in his arms and leaning his head against hers. "I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important."

Rory sighed. Hosting parties and going to functions was part and parcel of being a corporate wife (though technically they weren't even married); still, it was taxing – the dressing up, the sucking up, the need to be "on."

Instantly Jess's words echoed in her head: "Are you happy?"

"Please," Logan said rubbing her back. "Pretty please," he said as he pulled back, giving her his most pitiful look.

"Logan," she began.

"Thanks babe, I appreciate it. We make an awesome team," he said then kissed her on the cheek.

"But …."

She never finished the sentence. He was halfway down the hall before she could get the words out.


End file.
